I'm planning the wedding right now, and it will be the awesomest wedding ever.
December 27, 2011
August 27, 2011
Do Watches Watch You?
I never understood why a watch is called a watch, but I've come up with some possible reasons
- you watch them
- other people watch you when you wear multiple ones (I don't get it, why is it so weird for me to wear my five favorite watches?)
- the watch face actually watches you (that's a creepy thought)
- which watch watches which? (not a reason, but fun to say)
- watch me watch this watch! (still not a reason)
- "Watcha lookin at?" "Your watch." "Oh." (I'm out of reasons, but I'm sure you noticed that)
- you watch them
- other people watch you when you wear multiple ones (I don't get it, why is it so weird for me to wear my five favorite watches?)
- the watch face actually watches you (that's a creepy thought)
- which watch watches which? (not a reason, but fun to say)
- watch me watch this watch! (still not a reason)
- "Watcha lookin at?" "Your watch." "Oh." (I'm out of reasons, but I'm sure you noticed that)
August 20, 2011
A Leaf is a Leaf is Not a Leaf Unless it Leaves
This has nothing to do with leaves. Basically this is what happens when my brain throws up into a blog post. If you like it I'll do it again sometime, if you don't make sure to tell me, so that I'll make sure my brain stops throwing up (at least in the form of a blog post.)
Porcupines are brown, right? For some reason I associate porcupines with coconuts, and if they're brown then that makes sense.
Frolicking in the flowers may lead to falling on the home of ants (which is painful)
To be inside a spoon would take a lot of work.
Laughing at your uncle is fine when he tells a joke, but then you later realize you don't have any uncles. That's when things get weird. Later, you realize it was your father's cousin, and everything is alright again.
Shearing a greedy alpaca results in a sweater.
Foolish mattresses are deemed unworthy to be slept on.
This option needs to be operated on, and it is not optional!
Porcupines are brown, right? For some reason I associate porcupines with coconuts, and if they're brown then that makes sense.
Frolicking in the flowers may lead to falling on the home of ants (which is painful)
To be inside a spoon would take a lot of work.
Laughing at your uncle is fine when he tells a joke, but then you later realize you don't have any uncles. That's when things get weird. Later, you realize it was your father's cousin, and everything is alright again.
Shearing a greedy alpaca results in a sweater.
Foolish mattresses are deemed unworthy to be slept on.
This option needs to be operated on, and it is not optional!
August 16, 2011
How to Procrastinate
You should know how to procrastinate already, but let's go over the basics
Stage 1: Animals!
Step 1: Find a cat (if you don't have a cat find some other pet. If there are no pets in the general area choose an inanimate object)
Step 2: Pet it
Step 3: Have it get angry at you for no reason (fish and dogs don't do this much, but rocks and cats are evil!)
Step 4: Leave them. Forever. Or until you need to begin procrastinating again.
Stage 2: Internet!
Step 1: Check facebook, tumblr, twitter, google+, myspace (why are you even bothering to check it you're pretty much the only one on there... oh wait we're procrastinating go ahead and check even if you haven't checked since the invention of facebook)
Step 2: Watch funny youtube videos (They MUST be funny!)
Step 3: Find a youtuber you like, and see if they have a blog. The answer is yes in most cases. If the answer is no, repeat this step.
Step 4: Check facebook, etc.
Step 5: Look at approximately 2 blog posts
Step 6: Decide to create a blog of your own (if you already have a blog, this step might be deciding to update it, however that is not always the case)
Step 7: Check facebook, etc.
Step 8: Create a blog
Step 9: First post. (It says "first post" somewhere in it doesn't it?)
Stage 3: Sleep!
Step 1: Lay down on a random object and try to sleep on it. (DISCLAIMER: If you're stupid enough to try and sleep on a thorn bush, or a sword, or some similar object it is not my fault. Also, please don't breed.)
Step 2: Repeat Step 1 until frustrated
Step 3: Lay on the floor of your bedroom (or a large dog) and promptly fall into fake sleep (this may become real sleep eventually, especially if the dog is being used)
Step 4: Wake up from your sleep
Stage 4: Music!
Step 1: Find any instrument in your house. (If you don't have any, use a rubber band)
Step 2: Freestyle! Don't bother with sheet music or anything, just jam!
Step 3: Create a song.
Step 4: Play it over and over, but slightly different each time because you can't quite remember it right
Step 5: Throw your instrument down the stairs and see if anyone gets angry. (If using a rubber band as an instrument, it is best to aim for people at the bottom of the stairs)
Step 6: Ignore anyone who is angry with you
Stage 5: Eating!
Step 1: Look in the fridge.
Step 2: Look in the freezer.
Step 3: Look in cabinets.
Step 4: Complain about lack of food.
Step 5: Repeat steps 1 through 3
Step 6: Eat everything from the cabinets.
Stage 6: Learn about procrastination.
Step 1: Find videos of people on youtube who are making videos instead of doing something
Step 2: Watch them
Step 3: Find blog posts giving you information on how to procrastinate
Step 4: Read them
Step 5: Realize whoever wrote it was procrastinating
Repeat this process until you are no longer expected to be awake, and then resume the next day
Stage 1: Animals!
Step 1: Find a cat (if you don't have a cat find some other pet. If there are no pets in the general area choose an inanimate object)
Step 2: Pet it
Step 3: Have it get angry at you for no reason (fish and dogs don't do this much, but rocks and cats are evil!)
Step 4: Leave them. Forever. Or until you need to begin procrastinating again.
Stage 2: Internet!
Step 1: Check facebook, tumblr, twitter, google+, myspace (why are you even bothering to check it you're pretty much the only one on there... oh wait we're procrastinating go ahead and check even if you haven't checked since the invention of facebook)
Step 2: Watch funny youtube videos (They MUST be funny!)
Step 3: Find a youtuber you like, and see if they have a blog. The answer is yes in most cases. If the answer is no, repeat this step.
Step 4: Check facebook, etc.
Step 5: Look at approximately 2 blog posts
Step 6: Decide to create a blog of your own (if you already have a blog, this step might be deciding to update it, however that is not always the case)
Step 7: Check facebook, etc.
Step 8: Create a blog
Step 9: First post. (It says "first post" somewhere in it doesn't it?)
Stage 3: Sleep!
Step 1: Lay down on a random object and try to sleep on it. (DISCLAIMER: If you're stupid enough to try and sleep on a thorn bush, or a sword, or some similar object it is not my fault. Also, please don't breed.)
Step 2: Repeat Step 1 until frustrated
Step 3: Lay on the floor of your bedroom (or a large dog) and promptly fall into fake sleep (this may become real sleep eventually, especially if the dog is being used)
Step 4: Wake up from your sleep
Stage 4: Music!
Step 1: Find any instrument in your house. (If you don't have any, use a rubber band)
Step 2: Freestyle! Don't bother with sheet music or anything, just jam!
Step 3: Create a song.
Step 4: Play it over and over, but slightly different each time because you can't quite remember it right
Step 5: Throw your instrument down the stairs and see if anyone gets angry. (If using a rubber band as an instrument, it is best to aim for people at the bottom of the stairs)
Step 6: Ignore anyone who is angry with you
Stage 5: Eating!
Step 1: Look in the fridge.
Step 2: Look in the freezer.
Step 3: Look in cabinets.
Step 4: Complain about lack of food.
Step 5: Repeat steps 1 through 3
Step 6: Eat everything from the cabinets.
Stage 6: Learn about procrastination.
Step 1: Find videos of people on youtube who are making videos instead of doing something
Step 2: Watch them
Step 3: Find blog posts giving you information on how to procrastinate
Step 4: Read them
Step 5: Realize whoever wrote it was procrastinating
Repeat this process until you are no longer expected to be awake, and then resume the next day
July 23, 2011
Racist Candy
When we think of different races we usually think of humans, but what about candy? Different types of candies have different races. Licorice are some of the the least racially diverse, and most racist of all candies. When you eat them you may notice their flavors will fight with anything else you happen to have in your mouth. Skittles aren't terribly diverse, but they're far better than licorice. You're probably wondering how Skittles aren't diverse when they're the rainbow. Well in this case all of them are actually a part of the leather subculture. (Young children probably shouldn't go reading about this, but otherwise its perfectly safe to look up.) The color of the Skittle is the color a humans hanky would be. The most diverse candy is the jelly bean. With all types of colors and flavors it is quite obvious. The only issue is, some communities are segregated. Ever gotten a box of Jelly Bellys? Most mix fairly well once you bring different flavors together in your mouth, but they don't all get along perfectly. An example would be eating the popcorn flavor with the green apple flavor (unless you like that, personally I don't care for it.)
Various other candies, also, have different levels of racism against other types of candy, or different flavors of their own candy. Reese's Pieces are an example of a candy that has three colours living together, but when it comes to outsiders they far are less tolerant. No candy is perfect, and most candies do have a lot to work on.
July 14, 2011
Lord of the Pants
I apologize for not having blogged, I was on vacation.
Why does the bad guy in Michael Flatley's Feet of Flames and Lord of the Dance always have epic pants? I think in Lord of the Dance he should be allowed to be Lord of the Pants. Its not Lord of the Dance, but he's still a lord of something. Also, right after the Lord of the Pants (yes that's what I'm calling him now) steals the belt to make him Lord of the Dance and the real Lord of the Dance comes back to life, the Lord of the Pants is at a total disadvantage! The Lord of the Dance is SHIRTLESS!!!! That distracts from any mistakes he made as well as distracting the opponent! So, all in all its a completely unfair fight. You might be thinking "Wouldn't epic pants be distracting, too?" and they are, but the Lord of the Dance has LEATHER pants which are equally distracting. This cancels out the distraction of both of their pants leaving only shirtlessness.
It is difficult to say whether or not he would still have won if he had been wearing a shirt, but it definitely had an effect on the outcome. As long as we remember the Lord of the Pants was at a disadvantage we can allow him to keep his dignity as well as realize a strategy that may have once worked in hand-to-hand combat.
Why does the bad guy in Michael Flatley's Feet of Flames and Lord of the Dance always have epic pants? I think in Lord of the Dance he should be allowed to be Lord of the Pants. Its not Lord of the Dance, but he's still a lord of something. Also, right after the Lord of the Pants (yes that's what I'm calling him now) steals the belt to make him Lord of the Dance and the real Lord of the Dance comes back to life, the Lord of the Pants is at a total disadvantage! The Lord of the Dance is SHIRTLESS!!!! That distracts from any mistakes he made as well as distracting the opponent! So, all in all its a completely unfair fight. You might be thinking "Wouldn't epic pants be distracting, too?" and they are, but the Lord of the Dance has LEATHER pants which are equally distracting. This cancels out the distraction of both of their pants leaving only shirtlessness.
 |
| Don't even try to deny that you are distracted |
It is difficult to say whether or not he would still have won if he had been wearing a shirt, but it definitely had an effect on the outcome. As long as we remember the Lord of the Pants was at a disadvantage we can allow him to keep his dignity as well as realize a strategy that may have once worked in hand-to-hand combat.
June 25, 2011
Stupid Jokes
How hilarious a stupid joke is believed to be varies from person to person, and, also, depends on the type of joke. Puns are commonly used, and by many considered to be a form of stupid joke. I disagree with that, because it takes wit to make a pun (a good pun at least, bad puns are another story.) When a pun is made, about half of people will openly laugh at it, but half of those laughing (a quarter of all the people) will be saying that it was stupid. The other non-laughing half, will consist of a quarter of them (an eighth of the total) shaking their heads at the lameness of it. Half of the non-laughers will, also, be commenting on how stupid the joke is. Then, half of those who openly don't find it funny will actually be laughing on the inside, they're just too embarrassed to openly laugh at it.
The next (and in my opinion worst) type of stupid joke is the knock-knock joke. As kids we all found them hilarious, but now we're more mature (or at least we say we are) and realize how stupid they really are. As a general rule, nobody over the age of 10 laughs at a knock-knock joke. Sometimes people can't control themselves, though, and end up laughing, but usually in secret. Many knock-knock jokes are also puns, but they are the worst type of pun.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Britney Spears.
Britney Spears who?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Oops I did it again.
There are, also, those jokes you find on candy wrappers, popsicle sticks, and milk cartons. Many of these are puns as well, but, once again, are a low form of pun.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Britney Spears.
Britney Spears who?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Oops I did it again.
There are, also, those jokes you find on candy wrappers, popsicle sticks, and milk cartons. Many of these are puns as well, but, once again, are a low form of pun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)